It’s February. Cue the numerous diamond jewelry commercials and romantic social media photos that either make you feel really happy or really really annoyed. It’s understandable that a month that celebrates love, specifically romantic love, can be triggering for some who are actively seeking it but are having a hard time finding a healthy, fulfilling version of it.
Do any of the following sound like you?
Have you ever been attracted to someone then shortly after caught yourself getting too emotionally vulnerable for your comfort, so you avoided them, became short with them, or ghosted them altogether (aka left them without explanation)?
Have you ever gotten close to a person romantically but are consumed with the thought of them leaving you, cheating on you, or being dishonest with you?
Have you ever felt like you want to get so close to someone romantically, you try everything you can to get close, but in the end you push them away?
If you answered yes to any of the above, you have an insecure attachment style. Don’t be alarmed. There’s nothing wrong with you. Around just under half of the US population has some version of an insecure attachment style (around 66% of the US population has a secure attachment style. We will explore that in a bit).
What does this information tell you? At the very least, it informs you that somewhere along your journey, we learned that getting too close to someone wasn’t emotionally (or sometimes physically) safe). You may have had your vulnerability taken advantage of, so now you hold your cards close to your chest. You may have experienced infidelity and now you have a hard time trusting. You may have had a parent or caregiver push you away or even abuse you when you needed emotional safety and comfort.
You may be an adult who desires love but feels lost, hopeless, or even frustrated that you can’t find it-or keep it.
You are not alone.
I want to tell you that many of the effects of insecure attachment styles have to do with what happened to us. This alone reminds us that much of why you are the way you are now is not your fault. But as adults, it is your responsibility to get the support and care you need to 1. Not continue to hurt and 2. Not hurt others.
Let’s break down the 3 INSECURE ATTACHMENT STYLES:
AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT: You are available “at an arm’s length.” You don’t let people in or get too close emotionally. You are uncomfortable with vulnerability and can be known to thrive off of being independent.
ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT: You have a hard time trusting people and taking them at face value. You may be seen as clingy or labeled “dramatic” in your relationship encounters. You may fear or even accuse your romantic partner of infidelity. You have an overall fear that your partner will leave you or that you’re easily replaceable.
FEARFUL AVOIDANT (OR DISORGANIZED) ATTACHMENT: You are the extreme version of anxious and avoidant attachment styles. You desire closeness but don’t necessarily have the capability of getting close or maintaining closeness. You either get very close or very distant with no in between.
By taking the time to reflect on these insecure attachment styles, you may be feeling a variety of emotional responses. Relief that there’s a name and description for your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, sadness that you identify closely with one of them, anger that you’ve endured experiences that have left you to become insecurely attached, or perhaps dismissiveness, an “it is what it is” attitude.
Wherever you are, it’s important to also note that research has been able to inform us about secure attachment and what that can look like for an individual.
You may be securely attached if:
You build deep, meaningful relationships. You are comfortable talking and being honest about your feelings. You know the feeling of loved ones having your back and you extend that to those you care about.
Much of the information here has been directed towards you personally. Think for a moment if you have ever been in a relationship with someone who has displayed these attachment styles? Perhaps you are anxious and you dated an avoidant. Perhaps you are secure and you’ve dated an insecure. Think about what those experiences were like for you. If you have ever felt like you’re not good enough or something is wrong with you (note: securely attached folks will likely be aware that it’s not them), I hope this information brings you awareness and peace.
Questions you may be asking yourself:
How did I develop this form of attachment?
Can my attachment style change?
Can working on my attachment style help improve the current relationship I’m in?
Will I finally find and keep love?
I’m hosting an online course on March 5th, 2022 where I’ll answer these questions and provide insight to so much more about attachment.
If the information in this blog left you wanting to know more, consider attending!
This course will help you:
Dig even deeper into what the parent/caregiver role in attachment styles are and how that can affect one’s upbringing and adult romantic relationships
Identify your attachment style based on attachment theory and my experience helping my clients move towards a more secure attachment style
Implement the practical tips I’ll provide you along and worksheet prompts to help you continue to do the work to move towards a more secure attachment style
You may be interested in this course if:
You are interested in learning more about your attachment style and how it’s affected your romantic relationships
You are tired of
You are in a relationship and want to learn how to move towards healthier relationship dynamics
You are single and want to do more work around moving towards or maintaining secure attachment
You are interested in attachment theory and want to learn more
Did you miss my blog on How to be ok with NOT doing it all? You can find it here. There are definitely some gems dropped!